Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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