Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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