Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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