He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I just found a bag of teeth...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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