dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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