He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize