Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
