when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
