Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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