eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
