god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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