Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
you had me at cake vodka
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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