My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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