next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
