Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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