Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
