I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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