whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Randomize
