Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
