my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
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