Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
