Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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