Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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