a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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