i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
