I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
