i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
