The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
