I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
