I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
