I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
