remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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