I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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