If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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