I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
