If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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