My nipple is on Facebook.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
