Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize