he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
