why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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