I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
