Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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