I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
We were destined to go to rehab together
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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