The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
