I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize