I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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