hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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