Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
