Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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