I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
