no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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