he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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