I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Holy sore nipples Batman
Randomize
