I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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