i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
