how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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