just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
