every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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