he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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