can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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