The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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